Hide and Go Seek

hide and go seek

About a week ago my mom was up and we were sitting in the front room of my apartment.  She sat in the lovely cow skin chair that I have, me on my couch with my feet up on the ottoman.  Comfy, right?  For the most part yes.  Until the conversation switched from my mom driving an ATV up a tree, to me.  I don’t like talking about me….I will do almost anything to not talk about me.

She made a statement that night that I have been thinking about for a while and I can’t quite get it out of my head.  She told me that from the time I was able to do so, I had always been setting goals.  Generally what ever goal I set I achieved.  Then here is the big question that she laid on me…”What are your goals son?”

My answer, like a Radio Shack sales person, I gave her a puzzled look.  For the first time I was dumbfounded trying to decide which of the 9 or 1o goals that I have in front of me are worthy to tackle.  The truth is, I have no idea where to even start.

A couple of days later in the news unit with my favorite reporter, I recall that nights events to her.  Kim says to me, “that’s a great question Billy what do you want to do?”  Yet again, blank stares.

I suppose if I had to pick just one goal to start with, it would be getting back to a sense of normalcy in my life.  I told her something I have never told anyone, and now I share it with you. I am happiest when I have the camera in my hands or I am hiding behind the lens.  Anyone who knows me, knows when one of these two things occur, they know I am focused and I am on task.  I have a purpose with a camera.  I feel somewhat invisible behind my 40 lbs news camera or my 3 lbs DSLR taking stills.  Here is the truth I shared, “I am happiest when I have my camera, because no one can see my eyes.”   It’s a sad statement.

Eyes are the gateway to the soul, or at least so says the person who coined that phrase.  I believe it to be true.  You can tell a lot about a person from their eyes. One can tell if they are happy, sad, lying, depressed, really any emotion can be seen clearly in the eyes.  In my eyes I feel like there is an enormous amount of pain that I am carrying around. I don’t want anyone to see it.  Especially my children. Perhaps that’s why so many pictures of them are on Facebook?  (Absolutely true) Lately, I have struggled to be outgoing in groups.  I have preferred to sit back and watch people interact.  I often feel grateful that I was invited out to begin with.  At 36 years young, I am the oldest person in the group generally.

This long drawn out story brings me to this point.  There was a time, when I didn’t feel the need to hide behind a lens. I wasn’t scared, I knew what tomorrow would bring. Divorce has opened my eyes to my own emotions more so than any other life event.  I can honestly say that I want to get to a point where I don’t need to hide, so that is my first goal.

There are a few people that have seen me smile recently that know it’s a genuine smile, they say it’s nice to see it.  These same people send me a text at 2am just checking on me because they know my pain exists.  I can only thank them.

So my first goal is set…when will I accomplish it, I have no idea.  It can’t be rushed though.  I know this though, in order for the rest of my goals to be met for 2013, I need to find that happy place with out a piece of glass between me and reality.

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